move over sidewalk book sales

Lots of places have sidewalk sales- bookstores, clothing stores, crack dens- many businesses operate on the street.

But there is one type that you'll never see having a sidewalk sale and that is the business of death. You'll never see a casket sidewalk sale. This saddens me. America has always been prudish about sex, but must we be so about death as well? I should hope not.

I called my dad, who is a mortician, to tell him my fabulous idea.

"Dad, tell Goldy that I have a super business plan for him."

"Dear God, what is it Jess?"

"Simple, a casket sidewalk sale."

"What?"

"Well, have you ever seen one?"

"Ya know, what? I haven't..."

"Well listen to this and I think you'll set up your outdoor shop tomorrow."

"You've got my ear, Jess."

This is the plan I told him:

You set up a line of your best coffins. You get models to lay in them and make them look fashionable. You can even have "napping caskets" where the general public can lay down and see how it is. "We can even add a hole to make it cold to keep the people comfortable," Dad interrupted. You can also have them lay in the back of the hearse to see what that experience is like.

"Wait a minute, Jess, that won't work. They can't just lay in the back... I guess we could let them lay in a closed casket in the back."

"Sure. Or you can cover them with a sheet and strap 'em to a gurney like it's a fresh pick-up."

Dad laughs, "Oh that's good, that's great."

"Yes, but I'm not done."

I continued: 

You can also lay down a big tarp that has a big bulls-eye in the middle. Then you have a bunch of urns with different colored ashes inside. 

"Human ashes?"

"they can be the unclaimed hobos if you want. Or dogs. Or just soot, whatever. Anyway..."

You let people grab one and throw its contents into the air. Whichever color fills the bulls-eye the most is the expert ash scatterer. If it's not windy you can use fans. It's a family-filled activity that cultivates a skill which may be useful in their near future.

"I don't know about this, Jess."

"You haven't heard it all."

"What else is there?"

"This next idea is mostly for the kids- they need fun too."

"Of course."

"You give the kids Ping-Pong balls and whoever makes it into the urn wins a dead goldfish. Or you could have 'Pick the Flower Arrangement,' which is where-"

"Enough Jess!"

"What?"

"I know you think this is a good idea, but Goldy will never go for it."

"You don't think?"

"No, I don't. It sounds hilarious to me, Peanut, but it ain't going to happen."

"What if I pitch it myself?"

"let it go."

"Will you give civilians the free hearse ride if they want it?"

"I'll think about it."

*** One time my dad's car broke down and we had to use a hearse. It only has one passenger seat. My sis and I took turns riding in the back. Creepy***