I can't stop thinking about this kid. I didn't know, never heard of him, yet I can't get him out of my mind.
Why did he do it? Did he call someone while he was on the ledge? Who? Did they answer? What did they say? Did they think he was joking? Did they tell him to stop being so dramatic? Did he have no one to call?
While he was falling, what was he thinking? Was he happy with his decision?
Did anyone see it coming? Did he do it because he didn't want to go back home, where his homelife sucks? Were finals too stressful? Was he gay and afraid to come out? Was he lonely?
What did his parents think? Does he have parents? Was he an only child?
Why did he pick the parking garage? What did he yell that the janitor heard?
Did he think he'd fly, that it was a joke, and not real? What happens after you die?
Why did he do it? What made him think he had no other options? Is life really that bad?
Did he leave a note? What did it say? Who found it?
Will the garage be haunted? Why why why? Does he get to watch the aftermath from Heaven?
Was it an accident? Foul play?
I hope the autopsy turns up acid or shrooms. A drug death would be better than a depression death, at least he would've been happy, probably.
But really, I don't understand what makes a person do that. What leads to it. Were there any signs? Did he have anyone to talk to? He was attractive, but was college just not what he thought it'd be? Did a girl dump him or snub him? Was it a mach/bravado/dare that made him jump?
I guess I'll never know the answers to these questions, but I can't shut my brain off. I wonder what his last thought was, if he could've left his body before he hit, who the last person he talked to was, what he said, what they said, what the last youtube video he watched was, what was the last film he saw in theaters, the last food he ate, music he heard, test he took, person he kissed, hand he held, fantasy he had. I wonder what his future could've been.
I wonder and I worry and I stress and it's a shame. I didn't know him.
I shouldn't care.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
A nearby suicide
I was supposed to work the 7 PM- 3 AM shift at Subway last night. Instead, someone randomly offered to switch with me, because they know I don't like getting off that late. So instead I worked 4-12. After I got off, I went home. I read a book, ate some sour gummy worms and drifted to a peaceful sleep.
It was peaceful until I was awoken by an annoying loud noise, it sounded like a big truck was doing construction work outside my apartment. I woke and yelled "goddamn you! Have you no decency?? Let me sleep! Let me sleeeeeep!" No light was seeping through my blinds, which should have been a clue that it wasn't construction. I thought about checking my watch, but didn't want to know the time. I thought about looking out the window to see what it was, but figured it didn't matter and I didn't want to get out of covers. I'm glad I did nothing. If I had, I probably would've seen ambulances and firetrucks, and being curious, I would've gone to investigate. I would've seen something I could never take back. (My perverse curiosity got the best of me once, and I went on the site "rotten.com". It was horrible and I'll never get the image I saw out of my mind.).
This morning I strolled into my newspaper gig at around noon. When I got there Nancy, my boss, said "Jess, did you hear what happened last night?"
"Don't think so. What happened?"
"A kid killed himself outside your building." I was taken aback. "Say what?"
"Yeah, kid jumped off the parking garage."
I was floored. I went online to see our paper, and they had a blurb saying the kid was a 20 yr old sophomore.
"But that's not how we found out..." Nancy went on to tell me that a janitor who works the building had just gotten off work. He was walking to his car when he heard a man yell. He looked around, saw no one, and kept walking.
Then, right behind him, the kid hit the ground.
The janitor was scared, naturally, and took off running. Then when his senses came back to him, he stopped, turned around and called 911.
Now here's the kicker: this happened around 3:30 AM. Had I not switched my shift, there is a strong possibility that I would have been passing by when he offed himself.
Can you imagine just walking down the street at 3:30 AM- probably already spooked, since you're alone downtown at that time- and then, suddenly, some body falls out of the sky and lands right next to you? How disturbing would that be? Would you have nightmares? Would you feel some sort of irrational guilt over not looking up and stopping the kid before he jumped?
Is it sick, morbid and wrong that part of me wishes I were there? I've seen lots of dead bodies before, but only in a funeral home setting, not it a raw live-action setting.
Mostly I want to have been there because it would make this story a little more interesting. It could be first hand of how I saw a man die and how it affected me afterward.
Ultimately, I'm glad I wasn't there, it is certainly not something I need to see. My dad said that in real life it looks 100 times worse than it does in the movies. It would just be a neat affliction to have. Later on, when I'm a famous novelist, the critics would have said "yes, she is great. The affliction she endured after the kid died in front of her gave her enough edge to be great."
Though I wasn't there, I'm affected by this kid. The other city paper, our competition, did print his name. So I looked him up on Facebook. He's a good looking kid; has almost 600 Facebook friends; was quarterback of his high school team. His last status said "life... and grandpa JOE." I wonder what that meant.
I wonder what makes someone commit suicide, especially in a public place. I guess they want to be found. At least it wasn't at noon. What if he had landed on the janitor? "two for the price of one," is what my dad said.
Though I didn't know him, I've looked at his photo for so long that I feel like I do.
I'll miss him.
It was peaceful until I was awoken by an annoying loud noise, it sounded like a big truck was doing construction work outside my apartment. I woke and yelled "goddamn you! Have you no decency?? Let me sleep! Let me sleeeeeep!" No light was seeping through my blinds, which should have been a clue that it wasn't construction. I thought about checking my watch, but didn't want to know the time. I thought about looking out the window to see what it was, but figured it didn't matter and I didn't want to get out of covers. I'm glad I did nothing. If I had, I probably would've seen ambulances and firetrucks, and being curious, I would've gone to investigate. I would've seen something I could never take back. (My perverse curiosity got the best of me once, and I went on the site "rotten.com". It was horrible and I'll never get the image I saw out of my mind.).
This morning I strolled into my newspaper gig at around noon. When I got there Nancy, my boss, said "Jess, did you hear what happened last night?"
"Don't think so. What happened?"
"A kid killed himself outside your building." I was taken aback. "Say what?"
"Yeah, kid jumped off the parking garage."
I was floored. I went online to see our paper, and they had a blurb saying the kid was a 20 yr old sophomore.
"But that's not how we found out..." Nancy went on to tell me that a janitor who works the building had just gotten off work. He was walking to his car when he heard a man yell. He looked around, saw no one, and kept walking.
Then, right behind him, the kid hit the ground.
The janitor was scared, naturally, and took off running. Then when his senses came back to him, he stopped, turned around and called 911.
Now here's the kicker: this happened around 3:30 AM. Had I not switched my shift, there is a strong possibility that I would have been passing by when he offed himself.
Can you imagine just walking down the street at 3:30 AM- probably already spooked, since you're alone downtown at that time- and then, suddenly, some body falls out of the sky and lands right next to you? How disturbing would that be? Would you have nightmares? Would you feel some sort of irrational guilt over not looking up and stopping the kid before he jumped?
Is it sick, morbid and wrong that part of me wishes I were there? I've seen lots of dead bodies before, but only in a funeral home setting, not it a raw live-action setting.
Mostly I want to have been there because it would make this story a little more interesting. It could be first hand of how I saw a man die and how it affected me afterward.
Ultimately, I'm glad I wasn't there, it is certainly not something I need to see. My dad said that in real life it looks 100 times worse than it does in the movies. It would just be a neat affliction to have. Later on, when I'm a famous novelist, the critics would have said "yes, she is great. The affliction she endured after the kid died in front of her gave her enough edge to be great."
Though I wasn't there, I'm affected by this kid. The other city paper, our competition, did print his name. So I looked him up on Facebook. He's a good looking kid; has almost 600 Facebook friends; was quarterback of his high school team. His last status said "life... and grandpa JOE." I wonder what that meant.
I wonder what makes someone commit suicide, especially in a public place. I guess they want to be found. At least it wasn't at noon. What if he had landed on the janitor? "two for the price of one," is what my dad said.
Though I didn't know him, I've looked at his photo for so long that I feel like I do.
I'll miss him.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
It's an Inconvientent Annoyance, actually
I watched Al Gore's long, self-indulgent power point presentation today in one of my journalism classes. You might know it as "An Inconvenient Truth." Well yes, it was very inconvenient- I would rather have been buying Christmas ribbon than hearing about how the world as we know it is coming to an end.
I just don't buy the whole "Global Warming" thing. I paid attention to his charts and I learned about how his son got hit by a car and almost died (necessary to Global Warming? No), I even learned that poor little polar bears jump onto glaciers, only to have them break in half because they've been melting, resulting in the drowning of the cartoon polar bear.
Perhaps if someone had made a documentary about Al Gore's slide show, as opposed to him making it about himself, it would be more credible and I wouldn't snub it. At least it's not Micheal Moore.
I get everything he said about Co2 and all that jazz, but it'll never make me want to recycle or give up my SUV. He's just so pompous- why did he have to bring in footage from the 2000 election?
Oh well, it just wasn't for me.
A girl in class argued that it was racist because the cartoon people were white, that was funny. She also said it's not Global Warming we're going through, but Revelation from the Bible. She was serious. She argued with the teacher a long time- causing us to get out of class late- and even said "check this" to the teacher when she was making a point. It was entertaining. No one had her back.
Goodnight, I'm going to go hairspray a Styrofoam cup, then torch it all.
I just don't buy the whole "Global Warming" thing. I paid attention to his charts and I learned about how his son got hit by a car and almost died (necessary to Global Warming? No), I even learned that poor little polar bears jump onto glaciers, only to have them break in half because they've been melting, resulting in the drowning of the cartoon polar bear.
Perhaps if someone had made a documentary about Al Gore's slide show, as opposed to him making it about himself, it would be more credible and I wouldn't snub it. At least it's not Micheal Moore.
I get everything he said about Co2 and all that jazz, but it'll never make me want to recycle or give up my SUV. He's just so pompous- why did he have to bring in footage from the 2000 election?
Oh well, it just wasn't for me.
A girl in class argued that it was racist because the cartoon people were white, that was funny. She also said it's not Global Warming we're going through, but Revelation from the Bible. She was serious. She argued with the teacher a long time- causing us to get out of class late- and even said "check this" to the teacher when she was making a point. It was entertaining. No one had her back.
Goodnight, I'm going to go hairspray a Styrofoam cup, then torch it all.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Family time or party time?
I'm trying to figure out what to do for Christmas Break. Sadly I can't be everywhere at once. Part of me wants to stay here so I can make money at Subway. Most of me wants to go home.
The real problem is this: my mom wants to go to VA from Christmas to New Year's. I love my family in VA and I would like to see them. One such family, these two old folks who have a huge house and a checkered chicken named after me, are old and racist and amuse me to no end. They throw the term "jigaboo" around like it's nothing and it always causes me to laugh.
My sister, Tracy, doesn't really want to go. My mom said we don't have to if we don't want to, we can stay home while she goes, if we so choose.
It would be mildly cool having the house to myself for a week, but now that I've had my own place for four years, I think the novelty of being alone is gone. But the kicker is that Anthony wants to come celebrate New Year's in New Orleans. It could be fun, for sure. But on the other hand, my great group of friends and I have been doing the same tradition for the past bunch of New Year's Eve. Anthony could surely join us, but then I'd have to skip VA. Mom said we could come back before New Year's, but I don't want her to cut her trip short because of me. Dilemma, dilemma.
Did I mention that the old relatives are worth millions? They've already said they're leaving it all to this kid (my age) they've only met a couple of times. It's because he's a guy and has their family name, they're on my mom's mom's side of the family. Too bad they're not on her dad's, or I'd probably have their name, or at least my mom would.
Also, my friend Erin came up with an awesome remedy for my techno blasting neighbors. I could blast this right back at them:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHPegoquV5I
What a horrible sounding language.
The real problem is this: my mom wants to go to VA from Christmas to New Year's. I love my family in VA and I would like to see them. One such family, these two old folks who have a huge house and a checkered chicken named after me, are old and racist and amuse me to no end. They throw the term "jigaboo" around like it's nothing and it always causes me to laugh.
My sister, Tracy, doesn't really want to go. My mom said we don't have to if we don't want to, we can stay home while she goes, if we so choose.
It would be mildly cool having the house to myself for a week, but now that I've had my own place for four years, I think the novelty of being alone is gone. But the kicker is that Anthony wants to come celebrate New Year's in New Orleans. It could be fun, for sure. But on the other hand, my great group of friends and I have been doing the same tradition for the past bunch of New Year's Eve. Anthony could surely join us, but then I'd have to skip VA. Mom said we could come back before New Year's, but I don't want her to cut her trip short because of me. Dilemma, dilemma.
Did I mention that the old relatives are worth millions? They've already said they're leaving it all to this kid (my age) they've only met a couple of times. It's because he's a guy and has their family name, they're on my mom's mom's side of the family. Too bad they're not on her dad's, or I'd probably have their name, or at least my mom would.
Also, my friend Erin came up with an awesome remedy for my techno blasting neighbors. I could blast this right back at them:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHPegoquV5I
What a horrible sounding language.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Pompously Apathetic
Today was a good day. Nothing too outlandish happened. I did forget to leave that note on my rude neighbor's door, and thus once again, crapshack techno is what I'm listening to as I write this.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am very unmotivated. I have some schoolwork I should be doing, not a lot, but enough to keep me busy, but instead I've watched Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives all night. I just can't do anything productive and it's causing me to fret. Actually, that's not true. I wish it were causing me to worry, but actually I just don't care.
I wish I could've seen my boyfriend tonight, but he works long hours :(
Oh yeah, something exciting did happen today. I got feedback from my Adv. Fiction class on a story I wrote and everyone loved it! The teacher raved and so did the students. It was amazing- not one negative thing was said. I wish I could say I was surprised, but really I expected the positive praise. I would've genuinely been shocked had they not liked it. The worshiping my talent didn't go on for as long as I would've liked, but really, it had to come to an end sometime. I am going to submit it to some literary journals now- so excited!
XOXO, Jess
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am very unmotivated. I have some schoolwork I should be doing, not a lot, but enough to keep me busy, but instead I've watched Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives all night. I just can't do anything productive and it's causing me to fret. Actually, that's not true. I wish it were causing me to worry, but actually I just don't care.
I wish I could've seen my boyfriend tonight, but he works long hours :(
Oh yeah, something exciting did happen today. I got feedback from my Adv. Fiction class on a story I wrote and everyone loved it! The teacher raved and so did the students. It was amazing- not one negative thing was said. I wish I could say I was surprised, but really I expected the positive praise. I would've genuinely been shocked had they not liked it. The worshiping my talent didn't go on for as long as I would've liked, but really, it had to come to an end sometime. I am going to submit it to some literary journals now- so excited!
XOXO, Jess
Monday, November 30, 2009
Goddamn stupid hipsters
As I type, I am praying to keep strong and not go on a murderous rampage. The person in the apartment below mine is playing the most horrible, disturbing, annoying techno shit ever. I hate techno and hate people that like it even more. Hate is a strong word, I know, but it's the least harsh word that's applicable to this feeling that is consuming me.
Every time they play this song- the same one over and over again, which is every night, incidentally- I just get so angry. I yell "I hate shitty music, aghh! I'm going to strangle babies and scratch them with my teeth!" I do yell these things. I imagine my neighbors fear me, but I don't care, maybe they should. Right now I might just hurt them. I can't convey how much I hate hearing techno blasting my apartment at all hours of the night and day. It's horrible.
I left a note on their door in September telling them to stop, and they did for a week, looks like I'll have to do the same thing in the morning. If I had balls I'd march down there, kick in their door, bust their boombox with a bat and then smash their face with it, for good measure.
Sadly, I'm lacking balls so I will suffer until the morning. If they don't comply with my message, then I will talk to my landlords.
This is insufferable and I will not tolerate it.
Every time the track ends it pauses for a blissful, torturous teasing 30 seconds, only to start again. I just don't understand people these days. Goddamn stupid hipsters.
Every time they play this song- the same one over and over again, which is every night, incidentally- I just get so angry. I yell "I hate shitty music, aghh! I'm going to strangle babies and scratch them with my teeth!" I do yell these things. I imagine my neighbors fear me, but I don't care, maybe they should. Right now I might just hurt them. I can't convey how much I hate hearing techno blasting my apartment at all hours of the night and day. It's horrible.
I left a note on their door in September telling them to stop, and they did for a week, looks like I'll have to do the same thing in the morning. If I had balls I'd march down there, kick in their door, bust their boombox with a bat and then smash their face with it, for good measure.
Sadly, I'm lacking balls so I will suffer until the morning. If they don't comply with my message, then I will talk to my landlords.
This is insufferable and I will not tolerate it.
Every time the track ends it pauses for a blissful, torturous teasing 30 seconds, only to start again. I just don't understand people these days. Goddamn stupid hipsters.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I'm back, fools.
It's come to my attention that it has been a month since my last post. This is unacceptable and unforgivable, really. My bad. So I am making you this vow to continue to update this thing. I will blog a little everyday. It shouldn't be that hard- I love to write- but somehow it has proven to be difficult.
I just got back from a week long trip to Baton Rouge. It was fun hanging with my friends and meeting my mother's new Boyfriend, James. It turns out he's cooler than I thought. He's funny, nice, chivalrous, paid for everything, and is taking my mom to Hawaii in February. He is quite the catch, so it seems. Though they all start out good in the beginning.
When I got back last night, Anthony came over with my Christmas presents. I wondered why, as it's not even December, but whatever. I opened them. It was a comforter and the "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas Special." I knew that's what he was giving me, as he told me that's what it was a week ago. I thought maybe it was a diversion, so I'd be really surprised when the real gift came. Nope. I think he wanted me to open them so early so we could use them right away. He doesn't like us fighting over my twin-size comforter and he loves "Always Sunny." Oh well. Maybe I'll tell him to give me a card so I can have something to open when he opens his gifts, which I will give to him as near to Christmas as possible.
Also, on a whim, I dyed my hair just now. It's supposed to be crayon red, but it's a towel drying, so I don't know how it turned out.
I have many stories to catch you up on, but I'm dying to see my hair, so I'm gonna bounce out now. Tomorrow, if not sooner, I'll will make another post. Scout's honor.
I just got back from a week long trip to Baton Rouge. It was fun hanging with my friends and meeting my mother's new Boyfriend, James. It turns out he's cooler than I thought. He's funny, nice, chivalrous, paid for everything, and is taking my mom to Hawaii in February. He is quite the catch, so it seems. Though they all start out good in the beginning.
When I got back last night, Anthony came over with my Christmas presents. I wondered why, as it's not even December, but whatever. I opened them. It was a comforter and the "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas Special." I knew that's what he was giving me, as he told me that's what it was a week ago. I thought maybe it was a diversion, so I'd be really surprised when the real gift came. Nope. I think he wanted me to open them so early so we could use them right away. He doesn't like us fighting over my twin-size comforter and he loves "Always Sunny." Oh well. Maybe I'll tell him to give me a card so I can have something to open when he opens his gifts, which I will give to him as near to Christmas as possible.
Also, on a whim, I dyed my hair just now. It's supposed to be crayon red, but it's a towel drying, so I don't know how it turned out.
I have many stories to catch you up on, but I'm dying to see my hair, so I'm gonna bounce out now. Tomorrow, if not sooner, I'll will make another post. Scout's honor.
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